Ode to an ex

the scent of camel royals

lingers on my aching fingertips

they scrape the edge

of last weeks unopened valentine chocolates

candy roses don't leave petals

to pluck in wonder.

he loved me, he loves me not.

our light-hearted laughter floated

through the morning french toast

his fingertips lingered

along my ice cold arms

fill me with your warmth

tempt me with your care

eyes trying to remember what was once there

but connections millimeters too far.

he loved me then, he loves me not.

hmm...

a boy once told me that the moon

came from the pacific ocean

he played with my finger tips

as his eyes began to wander

the wind whipped at our adolescent hair

perfume gliding under his nose

he looked at me once

saw me as i am

he looked at me twice

saw me as i was, four years past

awkward and insecure

i never knew which way was forward

but here i stand, against the wind

a boy on arm and a dress resting on my shoulder

I heard him say that the moon

actually came from the pacific ocean.

remember when I cried on the phone before you saw my face?

remember when you hugged me tight in the 7-11 bathroom?

remember when we watched movies under the covers?

remember when we cried together on the beach?

remember when it was all so fresh and new?

remember me?

YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

i say everything aside from "I like you like you"

and you still dont know.

youll never know.

you probably dont want to know because the situation is so complicated.

you know, you just wont accept it

thats probably it.

great.

im not sure he will ever read this

im not sure he will understand

im not sure he understood

and im not sure i can stand

to be left here so helpless

and defenseless

against the burn

of emotions inwardly diredted

and words leaing me rejected

im not sure he will see this

im not sure he will know

that it is him to whom i am saying this

and it is to him that i owe

an appology sealed with a kiss

a hug for that near miss

but to him i owe

the truth that i feel

so baby, heres the deal:

Im falling

im falling fast

im scared

but i want this feeling to last.

<3

repeat

i feel it creeping back in,

slurping up the floorboards.

the color is draining from my cheeks,

and my arms fall back to my sides,

and here i am again.

again.

I know this place so well,

it should feel like home.

My stomach is churning,

and my finger tips are curling,

and my ears are ringing again.

again.

I still dont have a reply,

I never got the chance to figure one out.

My voice is trembleing,

and my lips are chapped,

and i cant deal with it again.

again.

feel it

i can feel the burn

i can see it melt

disperse, depleate

delete.